Learning what I don’t know

I love the Francois Mauriac quote.  I stored it on my phone some time ago, knowing I would borrow it one day.  I posted it not only because it is appropriate, but also because I’ve been struggling to put my feelings into order – and into words.   Sometimes we need to borrow the insight of others to dig a little deeper into our own meaning.  To give us a stopgap until we can admit what we don’t know.  By “we” of course I mean, “I”.

After pondering my thoughts for the past five days, I decided I’m not being authentic if I don’t share the not-so-joyful times.  There’s something so very vulnerable about letting people know your true feelings and thoughts.  I’ve said it before: a little introspection can be a good thing; sharing it with the world might be questionable!   In this case however, if I can help someone understand what it means to know a person and value and respect him for all that he is, I’ll share.  Wholeheartedly.

I had big plans last Wednesday for my time with my training partner.  However, based upon my previous experience, which was pure magic, I couldn’t seem to make that special connection this time.  I wanted some validation that it was okay I was there, that it would be good to take a walk.  Chance reassured me that Zachary was in a good mood so I guessed it was okay.  I didn’t really know.

On our walk, one joyful sound was all I heard, but what does that equal in terms of Zachary’s happiness?  I’m not sure I’ll ever know.   I certainly don’t always laugh or smile just because I’m happy!  I stopped briefly under the blossoming willow tree that overhangs the path we’ve been walking.  Have you ever noticed what an intoxicating aroma willows have?  “Zachary, isn’t that scent amazing?”  It is.

About 30 minutes into our trip I got a crash course in using the magnet.  I was pretty sure he was having a seizure and I knew that using the magnet, if done right, wouldn’t hurt him.  It seemed to calm him, but I also noticed that he was cold.  My warm hands seemed to calm him, as well.  I definitely need to figure out this temperature thing!  As we headed back to the house, this scenario played out a few more times.  Although I was scared, I was told that Zachary would be fine.  I need to trust those who know him.  I do.

By the time we got home, he was fine.  Maybe he had been uncomfortable or cold in the jogger, but it broke my heart to think that he might be hurting and I didn’t know what was wrong.  Next time, I will check the jogger to make sure Zachary has a cushion underneath him.  I will make sure we have a blanket in case he gets cold.  Now that April has decided to act like March, I’ll wait until the weather warms up again!  In the mean time, I’ll spend some time hanging out and getting to know him better.

What does that mean?  Well, I do understand that communication and connections come in many forms.  Spoken words are one thing, but unspoken words can portray some true insight.  Any time we get to know a new person, it takes time and patience to learn the intricacies of their body language, vocal cues and facial expressions.  As I spend more time with Zachary, it is my hope and goal to learn to read his cues…  to learn at least some of what I don’t know.

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3 Responses to Learning what I don’t know

  1. Emily Jorrey says:

    I think you are doing wonderful. I take Zach to yoga almost every Tuesday, and sometimes he’s is really active and sometimes he’s not. When he’s the latter, I joke about him being “too cool for school”.

    Just keep doing what you’re doing. He loves making friends, and meeting new people.

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